You know it’s not good for you. You know it. And yet, you do it anyway.
Why?
You’re not alone. Most of us carry around a few contradictions—wanting health but avoiding the gym, valuing honesty but sugarcoating the truth, loving someone who treats us poorly. This tension between what we know and what we do is what psychologists call cognitive dissonance.
What Is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort we feel when our beliefs, values, or knowledge clash with our actions or decisions.
Imagine your mind like a courtroom, where your beliefs are on the witness stand and your behaviors are on trial. When they don’t align, your brain scrambles to defend the inconsistency—it either changes your belief, justifies your behavior, or tries to ignore the whole mess altogether.
A Real-Life Example: Staying in a Toxic Relationship
Let’s say you’re in a relationship where you’re being mistreated. Deep down, you know you deserve better. You’ve had moments of clarity, read the books, talked to friends, and seen the red flags.
And yet… You stay.
Why?
Because the story isn’t just black and white. The very same person who hurts you might also:
- Praise you for your intelligence or kindness
- Tell you they’ve “never loved anyone like this”
- Shower you with attention when you try to pull away.
- Make you feel needed, special, or understood—even if it’s only sometimes.
This creates powerful emotional confusion. Your brain clings to the positive reinforcements—the compliments, the moments of connection, the shared memories—and uses them to justify the pain.
You might even think:
- “But they believe in me when no one else does.”
- “They’re just misunderstood.”
- “I feel seen by them in a way no one else sees me.”
What’s really happening is that your emotional needs (to be loved, seen, praised, and validated) are clashing with your logical understanding (this relationship is harmful, one-sided, or emotionally unsafe). And to make things even trickier, sometimes these emotional highs are used—intentionally or not—as leverage.
You feel good when they pull you back in, so you overlook the moments that make you feel small.
You think it’s love, but it might actually be dependency reinforced by emotional manipulation. And you may not even realize you are being used, whether for emotional support, financial benefit, or ego reinforcement, until much later.
That’s the trap of cognitive dissonance: it doesn’t feel like a trap while you’re in it.
Why It Matters
Recognizing cognitive dissonance isn’t just academic, it’s empowering. It shines a light on blind spots and helps us move from contradiction to clarity. When left unchecked, dissonance can lead to:
- Chronic stress
- Emotional burnout
- Poor decision-making
- Low self-esteem
But when faced and managed, it can lead to:
- Personal growth
- Stronger values
- Healthier choices
How to Recognize It
Cognitive dissonance often shows up as:
- Guilt after a decision
- Defensiveness when someone questions you
- A vague feeling that something “doesn’t sit right”
- Making excuses for things you know aren’t aligned with your values
If you feel a disconnect between your thoughts and actions, that’s a signal to pause and reflect.
What You Can Do About It
- Notice the discomfort
That twinge of guilt or resistance? Pay attention to it. - Name the conflict
What belief and what action are out of sync? - Get curious, not judgmental
Ask yourself: Why did I act this way? What need was I trying to meet? - Decide on your direction
You can either adjust your actions or reevaluate your beliefs. - Start with small shifts Change rarely happens overnight. Aligning thought and action is a practice.
Cognitive dissonance is part of being human. It doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re aware. And awareness is the first step toward change.
So next time you catch yourself doing what you know you shouldn’t, don’t be too hard on yourself. Just ask: “What’s really going on here?”
That question might just change everything.